The Nature of Suffering
Finding peace requires understanding the true nature of our suffering. This cannot be done if we ignore our suffering or lie to ourselves about the causes of our suffering. Suffering typically involves a disconnect between the way things are and the way we want things to be. When suffering arises, we seek understanding. Without understanding our suffering, the degree of the disconnect is unknown and causes further unease.
Marcus Aurelius said, “what stands in the way becomes the way.”
Consider a relationship that ended unexpectedly. The expectation might have been that the relationship would last forever, which is why it can feel shocking when we realize the relationship is going to end. Was the other person honest about their expectations? Maybe they did not want to share their feelings because they feared it would cause pain. How long have they been feeling disconnected? Were they seeing someone else? These kinds of questions are often haunting because we desperately want to understand why our expectations or hopes were misaligned with reality. We look for answers and sometimes accept explanations that are not true, but inside we continue to process.
Suffering that results from the loss of a loved one also stems from the disconnect between what we want and what we get. This kind of suffering is much greater when the loss is unexpected, when we didn’t say goodbye, and assumed we would see the person again. Why else would we feel so unsettled when someone dies? Death is inevitable, but not always expected. Suffering can be minimized if we accept that life is finite (memento mori) and live each day as an opportunity.
The difference between what we want and what we get is also at the root of our most frequent and more subtle battles with anger, anxiety, or depression. We might want to leave work early, but then get stuck on a call with an important client. We might want to have a quick commute home, but then have a flat tire. We might want our children to go to bed early, but they stay up later than ever before. We might be really excited to do something with someone, but they have other plans. Whatever it is, there is a disconnect at the root of all suffering.
To understand and overcome our suffering, we must examine that disconnect honestly and without judgment. We must dissolve our expectations. We must stop trying to shape the world to fit our desires, but instead learn to find peace with how things are.